It's been many weeks since I've written. Please accept my apologies. I have been doing so much yard work and gardening here at Rayanne's (a joy), time slips away and daily exhaustion takes it's tole. I used to snicker when someone told me they were so tired at the end of a work day they'd "drop" into bed. Since retirement, I'd lost that level of exhaustion, but once again it's truly how I feel.
FIRST DISCOVERY - When your friends are right!
Back at the Lodge, people would tell me I really ought to have been using a walker to be more steady on my feet. I have explained previously my multiple reasons for not succumbing to that mobility support. But I've found a new walker that meets my yard work needs.
I was laughing this week as I spent hours doing lawns (yes their property has a massive lawn area). I am slow at the task (walking speed for me) and when it's time to stop the effort for the day, I return the lawnmower to it's shelter and I truly stumble sit on a lawn chair, or if possible, I make it back to my trailer and perch on my front steps until I have the strength to climb them and fall onto the sofa.
Rayanne noted to me humorously that I now use a walker for covering significant, open distances, it's called a gas mower. She's correct.
SECOND DISCOVERY - Memory surprises come unexpectedly!
SECOND DISCOVERY - Memory surprises come unexpectedly!
Nate was blessed with only occasional problems with his teeth in recent months, but now lockdowns are lifting a bit, he's in real misery. It even required a trip to Emergency to cover his pain needs until we access a dental surgery appointment.
Rayanne took me to the surgeon's office to begin the process again of setting up a date/time. I carried forth the actions required (face mask and all) and came back to the car. As she was talking she reviewed our first and joint visit to the office. I would have thought for certain she was fabricating my having been to the office previously. I did recall a tense discussion about how we'd handle his dental needs, but I was certain she was "misremembering" my having been in attendance at the actual office.
Wherever that memory might have been it's entirely dissolved and gone for me. Rayanne cited that because the first appointment had been stressful for me the stress might have been a factor in my not recalling the event now. I have no idea if stress is related to some of my memory loss, but if that's possible, I should have an empty brain!
I will never know, but "another one (memory) hits the dust"...
THIRD DISCOVERY - "Silence is Golden"
I've learned from sad experience that my forgetfulness (i.e: leaving a pot to burn on the stove; forgetting to turn off my curling iron and then finding it - "by the grace of my Father in Heaven", hidden under personal items that could catch fire) could be truly dangerous. Experiences such as those cited gave me an awareness that perhaps living in the trailer, I ought to modify my independence to accommodate such possibilities.
At first I only have used the microwave for heating/cooking, and intermittently invited myself or Rayanne invited me to attend family dinners.
I have been slow to learn that I am too conversational when in a family gathering and at times, Rayanne tells me, I have offended one or more family members.
These realities taught me to make a choice I should have realized was quite appropriate. Now I only attend a family event or meal when invited AND also |I learned my friend's rule of thumb when mixing and mingling... "silence is golden," (Thanks Garry Gregson).
Rayanne took me to the surgeon's office to begin the process again of setting up a date/time. I carried forth the actions required (face mask and all) and came back to the car. As she was talking she reviewed our first and joint visit to the office. I would have thought for certain she was fabricating my having been to the office previously. I did recall a tense discussion about how we'd handle his dental needs, but I was certain she was "misremembering" my having been in attendance at the actual office.
Wherever that memory might have been it's entirely dissolved and gone for me. Rayanne cited that because the first appointment had been stressful for me the stress might have been a factor in my not recalling the event now. I have no idea if stress is related to some of my memory loss, but if that's possible, I should have an empty brain!
I will never know, but "another one (memory) hits the dust"...
THIRD DISCOVERY - "Silence is Golden"
I've learned from sad experience that my forgetfulness (i.e: leaving a pot to burn on the stove; forgetting to turn off my curling iron and then finding it - "by the grace of my Father in Heaven", hidden under personal items that could catch fire) could be truly dangerous. Experiences such as those cited gave me an awareness that perhaps living in the trailer, I ought to modify my independence to accommodate such possibilities.
At first I only have used the microwave for heating/cooking, and intermittently invited myself or Rayanne invited me to attend family dinners.
I have been slow to learn that I am too conversational when in a family gathering and at times, Rayanne tells me, I have offended one or more family members.
These realities taught me to make a choice I should have realized was quite appropriate. Now I only attend a family event or meal when invited AND also |I learned my friend's rule of thumb when mixing and mingling... "silence is golden," (Thanks Garry Gregson).
FOURTH DISCOVERY - Seeing isn't always to be believed!
This discovery is perhaps my most disturbing... I may not see what is apparent. I may not see what actually is present.
NOT SEEING WHAT IS PRESENT
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I took a short walk in the evening air to enjoy the gathering summer storm. I could see the darkening in the clouds, hear rolling thunder and so enjoyed the lightning bolts dancing in the distance.
I was quietly reviewing the multiple species of grasses, the flowering weeds and trying to ascertain how I might dig some and make them part of a personal garden area around my trailer.
I was looking forward to Rayanne's return home that I might share it all with her. Somethings are better shared. She drives a black FORD small size RV. Every once in a while I would turn to look back at the front porch of her house to see how far down the road I had ventured.
After a momentary glance back to the house, Rayanne showed up on the porch and came to lean on a handrail. To my amazement, her FORD (which I could not see previous to seeing her appear, was parked beneath her), in front of the porch. I was totally amazed. I knew she had not passed me on the roadway, but I also knew I was seeing the FORD for the first time.
I had experienced similar lack of visual awareness in the past, but nothing as total as this event. Previously I could tell myself I just "hadn't noticed"... this time I knew I HAD NOT SEEN THE CAR AT ALL.!!!
NOT SEEING WHAT IS ACTUALLY PRESENT
One afternoon Rayanne and I had set out to do laundry and a few errands. Amid the errands, she took us through a Tim Hortons drive thru. As I was gazing about, I saw a young oriental woman, dressed in a "Timmy" uniform. She was standing across from the restaurant, holding a young boy. I felt she might have been awaiting a pick up for the child before work or they both were going to be picked up at the end of her shift.
YES, I tend to create imaginary stories for what is part of my "people watching" habit.
I took my eyes off the young woman, as Rayanne handed me the food we had ordered. I raised my eyes again across the roadway to the young woman and the young boy was gone, but the woman was holding a leash with a medium sized dog attached.
I asked Rayanne when the woman had switched the young boy for the dog. Rayanne smiled, but was quick to say the dog had always been on the leash with the young woman.
IN SUMMARY
I've been for a brain scan and an MRI. The scan showed a small tumor, but nothing that should produce the visual and memory issues I'm demonstrating. I've not heard back about the MRI, but doubt much will be discovered. I am booked for a PET Scan in September.
My family doctor, Sandy, believes what is happening to me, but stated I ought not count on the tests evidencing a reason for my experiences daily. He's given my ATIVAN for bad days. I only need them rarely, and took some yesterday after a difficult set of experiences brought on by too much stress over a sequence of nearly a week. I broke down crying...
The Lord is in charge of all this insanity, and I must trust HIS will, HIS plan and HIS purposes.
Hope to talk to you soon, but we'll see what I can muster. I'm considering producing a motivational flyer based on a totally differing topic.
Take care.... I really mean that.
